He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
