3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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