when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
