Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
