the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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