Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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