I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
