maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
