Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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