I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
