Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
