i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
