My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
