Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
