When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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