Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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