His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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