that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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