after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
