This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
