i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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