Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
