I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
