1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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