Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
