I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
