I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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