If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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