Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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