After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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