who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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