they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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