I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
A bitchslap is in order.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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