I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
