I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
