I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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