Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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