my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
