well I can't set my house on fire every night
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
