it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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