At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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