from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
