I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
