I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
