Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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