I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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