Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
