due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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