I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
