I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
