Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
